yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
