maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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