Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
