You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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