I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So vagazzling was a success
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
