it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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