Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
