when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
