I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
