why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
