He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
