I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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