I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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