She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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