I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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