someone threw a dead crab at me
she looked like the before picture.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
