Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize