Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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