I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
