I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
