just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
