at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
