im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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