your parents love me but you hate me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
