My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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