I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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