half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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