Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
