I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
