I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
