Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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