We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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