Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
