Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
