Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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