dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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