i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
