More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
