his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize