dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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