; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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