When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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