i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
