Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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