okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
