Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
