You're my little dorito
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
