Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
