so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
