Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
