did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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