Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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