3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize