The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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