I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
