So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
