its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
