3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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