She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
