it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this hospital has no fireball
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
