Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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