I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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